----------------------------------------------------------------
INDEX                           INTERVIEWS                     GUESTBOOK
---------------------------------------------------------------

CUNT PASTE ZINE INTERVIEW

CUM SWALLOWERS LEAVE THE HALL!

+++                                               +++

R. Hello Mr CUNT! What has happened in your fukked world lately? Enough juice and plastic cunts to satisfy your happy needs?

Salut Madmane. Things are shit with me, my tape deck is bust, a few packages have gone missing or been split in the post and I’ve failed all the job interviews. Hopefully it’s not possible to fail this one too!

Q. When was your fanzine created, what where the first names, and did you already take part in other zines before the first cremations?
What were the motives to make your own zine, and not being a part of another we-re-so-numerous-we-have-so-many-friends-and-it-works-
as-if-we-were-at-work-we-are-not-free-we-do-what-the-bot-
orders-us-to-do zine? Are you happy until now to make the effort and swallow it all, alone?

I can’t remember when Cunt Paste started, probably around the middle of 2006, but the idea to start a zine was there long before. It was started basically after reading zines like Desecration of Virgin, Leather and Spikes, Hellpike etc, and finding that there was no similar printed material to read in the UK at the time (even you Frenchies have more zines than us!), plus to be a bit of a fanboy and send questions to the bands I liked. Initially it was called Cunt n Paste, but I dropped the ‘n’ when I realised Cunt Paste was an anagram of Cut n Paste (even if only one letter is moved). Nope, I lost my virginity to the zine in three ways – by being the first magazine I had written material for, by rolling it into a tube and fucking it slowly, whilst the third way is a deep secret, far too unsuitable for revealing on your modern webzine! (if you had it printed on an ancient papyrus scroll with a free lighter, it would be a different case!) But I can reveal it involves standing on your head for hours on end, and fish fingers…
I’m not swallowing it alone, as Mike has helped out with some of the interviews and reviews, and trips down to London to get plastered. There’s no indication of who wrote which reviews, so if one of us drops out (or drops dead) the other can claim the work was all theirs. Its a lovely way of working.

P. Apparently you don't receive too many promos, I'm not sure if some "dead-serious-and-pro-as-(no)fuck" labels would like to send their stuffs to a zine called CUNT N PASTE Ahah. I guess it's a volunter choices, isn't it? I imagine you prefer to order a lot of items everywhere, to then choose the worst from the worst and finally write reviews about whatever the famous intense deeps laziness leads you to! How long (Months? Years?) does a demo need to macerate on the (1 meter?) pile of boring demos to finally speak to your keyboard? (Plus: Do you write everything on the computer directly, or do you prefer to write everything by hand before). Tell us about your working strategies and other lazy zinemaker things...

I’m always being told to do more to support the underground, and the best way to do so is to ignore the shitty promos. Luckily I’m not on certain promotion teams mailing lists, so I don’t get too many of them. True, it does mean that the zine is always going to be not so fresh against the latest happening in the funderground and is somewhat one dimensional in the material covered, but against the internet, you can never win (pay for all your sins). Better to concentrate on making it interesting to read than to fill it with all the ‘latest exclusives!’ This isn’t fucking Hollywood now (even if some bands get the idea they belong there…).
Of course it takes some time to digest the feeling of certain releases – I’m sure there are old guys finding new things on their old Black Sabbath records! But I don’t have 30 years to write, so there has to be some cut off point for reviews, even if afterwards when reading I suddenly realise ‘Agh! How did I forget to mention that element, it’s so obvious!’. The time spent depends on the release, good ones can take a few days/weeks attempting to get the wording perfect, whilst shitty ones end up in the shitty pile. For a long time.
I try not to talk to the keyboard. 1. I start to look crazy. 2. I don’t want to form a symphonic Black metal band. 3. Computer crashes can be very baaaad. So I’ll stick with pen and paper for the moment.

THE ANTIVAGINA ASSAULT #1! PASTE IT EVERYWHERE.

O. Your funzine's state of mind is in the fukked up world of underground deviances, as well as many black metal zines, but it's a bit different because you don't hesitate to insert some funs and jokes deep in the cunt, and sometimes I feel like the graphix and other stuffs remind me some SADISTIK EXEKUTION mixed with the gaskmask power (And not powder... Black powder might not be toxic enough, even if it can make you sniff your noze) with some taste for the 'correctly' written old english of some sort... What are the perfect potions to create a new (t)issue of the cunt and is it always good to shake the cunt with a lot of milk and honey? How would you define the state of mind of your zine and how would you try to sell it to the crow, underlying some differences and qualities?

I’m not sure about gasmasks… For a start my head won’t fit in one! I always find the goats in gasmaks artwork amusing though, gasmasks essentially came into metal through the sexual bondage and latex fetish scenes (much in the same way as Rob Halford and his studded leather). But in connection with goats, wouldn’t this suggest that many of these bands have a gimped up goat locked in their basement, tied up in preparation for a taste of their ‘vibrator hammer’…?
I try and work fairly selectively with the imagery, to create a common current running through. But most of the time I get distracted, find a striking spiked sodomy image in the good old Sadistik / VoiVod tradition and paste it in on every page. I think it could still do with a few more spikes actually. For the third issue, I’m going for a mix of the medical and anatomical imagery along with some biological photographs of insects and other parasites (much better looking than a goat in a gasmask I think). And three-dimensional borders! At least they were 3D when they were alive…
If you want a big list of name dropped artists whose work I’ve stolen at some point, try and seek out something of Hans Bellmer (perverse), Alfred Kubin (morbid tales), George Grosz (the grey man dances) or Joel-Peter Witkin (been caught buttering). The best metaloid artist in recent times has been the work for Adorior, the inside of the gatefold looks lovely.
The best way to sell it to the crows is to flap your arms about and shout ‘CAW! CAW! CAW!’ But crows don’t have any money, so it won’t do much good.

N. Each of you issues contains quite a lot of black metal, which isn't especially a good thing if you ask me! How do you explain the fact I read and distribute each of your issues? Did you inject nice hormons of the dead in each pages, or fuck? Would you rather say CUNT'N PASTE is rather a black metal, death metal, old school zine, or a bit of all that? And now, what is NOT a part of C'N'P?

There is a bit of Black Metal, but not really that much. I’m primarily interested in the old Suda American deathrash scene around Belo Horozonte, but most of these bands have split up or turned to shit, and there aren’t too many others like this today (Anal Vomit, Grave Desecrator, I have no idea what became of Goat Semen or Diabolic Force though…) so I have to fill the zine out with a few other genres. The majority featured could possibly be termed ‘old school’, but I’m more interested in honesty, atmosphere and creativity than ‘originality’. I can only presume you read it in the hope that there is a Venga Boys feature later in the magazine. I’ll be sure to include a Hanna Montana double page spread poster in the next issue just for you (I’ll have to wait till she’s a bit older looking though. Best not to go down the Traci Lords road…)

 

M. I am very afraid many bands don't like to be interpuked anymore... Maybe we were too brutal with our filthy tongues and their heads felt a bit too sensible, or maybe they felt brain-suked as our questions were too precise and developped for them to keep it cool in total liquid pregnancy... So we many times have to forget and loose a liter of questions to go and suck the blood from another victim... It seems they are all already dried out and prefer to soullessly click as robots on Myflat or Mysperm...
Did you often have the problems of bands forgetting to send you back the interviews? Who was the longer one? (It can take years sometimes... Yeah! Years!!). Which one was the more surprising to be so lazy that you have to ask them the answers again, and again, to a point you kinda feel like their mother/ boss/ daughter/ children and you finally run dried out of semen and your dried balls fall in pain as you turn into an "underground beggar who's only there to bore our beloved band from their majestuous divinity in their golden towers"... Undead sex... How do you dectect if a band will answer an interview or not?

Surely you mean the fall of the majesty trousers? They wouldn’t be very happy if a beggar was to attack them with his limp cock, showering them with his flaky semen in the same way as a snow machine, staining the golden trousers with foul smelling foam now would they? And all the scabby man wanted was for you to knead his swollen balls.
It was a big problem for the first issue, the first four interviews I sent were ignored. Sometimes I forgot to send an IRC, sometimes I sent it to the wrong address, but I think the main reason they didn’t answer was because the questions were crap! Of about 38 interviews sent so far, 15 haven’t responded. Ultimately its just something you have to accept, anyway, it’s their loss for not being able to appear in my great magazine!
I don’t have a Myfart page yet (unless someone has made a tribute hah!), so still don’t know the ins and outs of how it works. Anyway, if a band refuses an interview on the basis that ‘Myspace is better for spreading information’, they’re more likely to give uninteresting answers, just going over the dates of when this was released, who produced it, what the song titles are, without putting any effort to express their own personality (no wonder their band is so uninspiring!). Are interviews for spreading information? NO! Everyone knows they serve one higher purpose, and that is SEXUAL STIMULATION.
The best way to detect if a band will answer is to ask them first if it is possible for an interview – this saves wasting questions unnecessarily in most cases! Either this, or look if Spanish is their first language.

L. I have a question (Yes! A question in an interview!!) about the way you write reviews: How do you find the ideas and whole conclusions about the items you will talk about? Do you generally need to headbang like a madman until the morbid ideas mix enough in your head to finally stabilizate and get clear enough? Do you need to wank your hellish cock like a voravious madman until the right ideas and necro inspiration awakes and ejaculates on paper as the first day of all orgasms? FUKK FUKK FUKK?

I view the reviews in a similar way to the ‘sexual contacts’ pages in the newspaper – if one of the names doesn’t catch your attention, then move on and look for another! There are always certain sections that will interest you more than others, skip over the gay section, those from women aged 20-40 don’t sound too exciting either, maybe ring a few from the ‘Alt und Heiss’ section for later, ah!!! Here we are, the bestiality section! Let’s see, ‘Dog seeks young fun-loving man to settle down and raise a family with’… No, no, no, this won’t do, I’m ‘No stayer’ after all! How about this ‘Mole-rat interested in creating a Hybrid Race of sub-humans to rule the earth’, yes this is more in my league! ‘After crossing the human and mole-rat DNA, we will block out the sunlight using our giant intergalactic umbrella, killing off all life on the surface. We will then descend to the centre of the earth and dwell in our underground bunker beneath the town of Bognor Regis’.
It’s mainly about getting the essential details that mark one band out from another, rather than going into greater detail about everything shown on the release. These kind of reviews get very boring.

K. Did you notice headbanging during gigs might be better to stabilizate some morbid ideas, at least better than at home because you have more space to move and then to explore new dimensions... But, did you try to headbang in certain particular places and maybe noticed an improvement of the said stabilization?

Have you ever noticed the number of people that refuse to headbang at gigs? Upon interrogating one of these flaccid members, they claimed they wanted to remain in control of their actions, and that it was against their principles. But is music not a form of escapism? And are rituals not for of losing control through a series of conscious shocks? To realise that there is no such thing as free will? I wish they could answer, rather than continually saying ‘it’s too personal to go into’… Or am I becoming too far fetched now? (I’m always getting my yogi breath mixed up with bad breath…)
Have I ever headbanged outside of a gig? No, but if I ever see someone doing it in the supermarket freezer section, now I’ll realise that they aren’t mad, but merely concentrating their darkest thoughts into a more accessible form.

J. I read you print all your zines on your own printer... But it must cost a lot of money! It might be the most expensive solution if I'm not inside-out wrong... According to the current prices of ink, you might even need to buy a new printer each time for the same price... And your zine isn't particularly small! Well, how many ink cartridges did you kill to release an issue and how many copies did you make of each?

Yes, all were made at home 100% DIY! Admittedly I’m likely to have the next issue printed semi-professionally (Xeroxed middles with a glossy cover – like Morbid Tales #5 or Death Execution), but the main reason for doing the first couple at home was just to build up some experience with creating the layouts, building up more contacts, and getting better at writing the reviews and interviews before trying anything too ambitious. Quite often I see zines burn their motivation out after only 3 issues (sometimes they can’t even manage to make 1!) because they set their expectations too high. First issues are always going to be full of mistakes, so why get them professionally printed, with adverts and promo CDs from the start? Who would want to buy a poorly written rag priced at the €5-8 region, regardless of if it feels nice to your fingers? (unless people only buy them for glossy toilet paper?) I lost a bit of money on the first issue, mainly on postage, but nothing major. The second one is breaking about even, it only costs about £1 to make them anyway.

I. How many cunties of (t)issue one did you spread between the legs of the underground? How many of the first shot, and then of the second shoot? Your issues rather ejaculate in which kind of cuntries? Do you have regular cumswallowers (Better said, "readers" Ah Ah Ah) or most didn't come back? (Bad semen, maybe?) What's the best way to inseminate a zine in the ass of the underground in 2009? Distros? Email adverts? Reviews in other zines/ webzines? Adds on forums? Which cum-solution proved to be the most fascinatingly inseminating between your two legs? Do you use flyers, and do you cover them with your own shit to attract the attention of the flies (aka "filthy readers" Ah Ah)? (Yes, we're in 2009 and blood isn't enough to attract the attention of readers... Sad but true: ONLY THE SHIT IS REAL!)

The first issue sold just under 150 copies, whilst the second has already sold that in 5 months, hopefully I can sell the full 250 by the end of this year. I couldn’t sell the first issue outside of Europe as it weighed too much. They sell mainly in old Europe, France, Germany, Spain, etc, with a few going east towards Poland and Greece. Mostly they’re just traded or sent to distros, as tapes and CDs are better currency than £$€. The plan is to eventually be selling around 500-750 copies, and to have our own section in all the trendy coffee shops.
The best way to inseminate the underground is to steal some sexual bondage artwork for the cover! It sells much better on the gig stalls as they can actually look through what’s in it rather than be stuck with static data on a distro list. I’ve been lazy with the first one, but the second one had a few hundred flyers pumped out – even if they probably only end on someone’s wall!
Shit? Look, you’ve really got to keep up with todays fashions! Brown might be representative of todays recession, but you’ve really got to think of tomorrows sales! Which is why I’m printing my flyers on the aloe vera toilet paper, there’ll be no need to smear them in shit this way! And the zine will be foldable, with 7 different collectable paper underwear designs (be sure to buy them all!). It will really lead the way in useless shitrags then!

H. You're now a well known underwear-trader in the French underground, and I spread your morbid messages in there (Not sure if everyone understood the joke Ah Ah). How big is your collection? Did you create an own circle of underwear traders from the undergrounds? Did you receive nice things from very exotic countries? I have to finish with the fact the one you sent was totally new, and fresh... I was very disappointed! It wasn't "personalized" enough Ah Ah Ah

It was more of a joke against a mixture of the zines that feel compulsed to give away free CDs for every issue, as well as the rising ‘Die hard editions’ in the underground. I can respect the special edition for older established bands who’ve developed a fanbase over the years, but why have these limited gimmicks for new bands? Why would I want the special edition for a newly released album – which I’ve yet to actually hear? So, for these reasons, I gave away my underwear. In the end, only three pairs went out, they were supposed to have iron-on designs, but I never got round to it. And the slinky thongs I bought mysteriously vanished…hmmm…
My collection is rather thin at the moment, strangely no-one wants to return the favour. So English is as exotic as it gets.

G. England is known for being a good place to work, because the monthly cash is quite good, and it's apparently a very active country... But, what's your opinion about it from the "Inside" (Yes, I know you're from Ireland, but forget your roots for a minute)? Is it good or not to live in a so big mix of different cultures? Does it help the scene in any way on a musical point of view? And is england quite opened on a musical point of puke or not ("Shocking!")? After all the conservative view of old england (Shocking!)  still might be very present (Shocking!), under a light surface of open-mindedness (SHOCKIIIINNNGGG!!!!)

The multiculturalism certainly helps with the metal, the English are a bunch of stuck up, arrogant, ignorant, apathetic, insular pricks! The best place (only?) to see a band at the moment is down in London, which is hardly the most pure-bred city in the country. And the only people that seem to turn up at these gigs are the Polish fuckers anyway! So if anyone wants to come over here, shit on the country, fuck the women and rape the culture, that’s fine with me, I’ve had enough of Morris dancers, cricket and scones already!
Personally, I prefer living in a city, as it’s much easier to go unnoticed even when participating in certain questionable activities. In the countryside, you’d stand out far more with such a Shocking! attitude. There haven’t been any protests like there had been for Dismember and Carcass at the beginning of the 90’s, but as metal doesn’t sell anywhere near as much as it used to, all the attention has moved over to catching paedophiles.

F. What are you doing in real life? During some cyber sex scene you told me about some english-english stuffs related to the english tongue in itself (Might be easier to swallow the tongue in your mother-tongue, don't you think?) but you were making quite strange noises with your mouth (I was maybe a bit too seriously in the insemination héhé) and so didn't understand every word correctly... If I'm not wrong you're working as a translator or something like that. Isn't it too painfull to read the fanzines from abroads, comming from peoples who don't speak english very well, when you have apparently a good mastering of the tongue? (Yes, swallowing many bitches' tongue can help to master the tongue). What are your feelings about the average english level of funzining? What is the worst country for that?

Those cyber sexual thrustings may have turned out to be too harsh, I think I might have bashed you brains out with the rotating mouse balls. I’m not involved in language at the moment, nor interested in studying it either (I hope you didn’t confuse my face with one of you cyber she-male sluts???).
I don’t mind poor English from foreign editors, it’s a weak imagination or determination that causes more of a problem. The best country at the moment for pure literary value is surely Finland, but this probably has something to do with there being not much else to do during their long winters. Germans are ok, a bit methodical, they always refer to vinyl’s as being ‘noble’ (or rather winyls), but at least they have good taste. The worst grammer offenders are from S.E. Asia, but they have so much enthusiasm, it’s easy to let them off. Anyway, zines are mainly for reading up on bands I’m interested in, if I want something that’s carefully written, I’ll read a book.

E. If your fanzine wasn't a cunt what would it be?

An earwig. Or possibly a tennis shoe.

D. If you weren't a cunt, could you paste your cock on the xerox-machine to make multiple dick-copies and paste it everywhere in your town? "VOTE FOR THE CUNT!!"

I’ve already done that for the local bi-elections. In fact I even tried to tattoo Vote for the cunt onto my cock during the Xeroxing process, but there just wasn’t enough space to ink, so only managed to fit on ‘VOT’. The worst thing is, every time I see a call girl now, they demand I pay them extra for the VAT.

C. Few years ago you told me about your music project SEX OFFENDER... Was something recorded finally?

In short, NO.

B. This is the merchandising question: Sell your cunts and all merchandising shits (Cuntshirts, Hoodie cunts, Casket cunts, Condom cunts...)

We have Cunt Paste Spokey Dokes, Cunt Paste inflatable dinghies, Cunt Paste toothbrushes (for the Extreme Cold Weather!), even Cunt Paste paste, but they’re all limited to one edition, which is mine. If you still want to buy anything after reading through all this crap, issue #2 Fukked (60 A5 pages, w/ CEMETERY URN, CACODAEMON, IRONFIST, AQUER, DECEPTOR, ODIUM and SADOMATOR) is £1 plus postage. Issue #1st strike is deadly (100 A5 pages, w/ WEAPON, GOAT SEMEN, NECROVATION, BLASPHEMOPHAGHER, BESTIAL RAIDS, AYAT, EVILE, ENVENOM, DESECRATION, MORBID YELL, MARTYRVORE and LEVIFER) is £2 and a pain to print. Issue #3rd Warning isn’t out yet, but will be ready somewhere between May and September, depending on how things go.

A. If you still have some semen in stock, feel free to regurgitate here, and tell us more about your future inseminations, fuck-free-zone-parties, glory hole decapitation and such... Cunty cunty patch. Cunty cunty patch... Cheers from the underwears!

I think I’ve sprayed you with enough semen already. I’m sure you don’t want to be mistaken for a Black metaller either…

Cher.
 

etsaptnuc(AT WAR)googlemail.com
 

>